Patience With Time

(It isn't the passing of time that helps us, but what we do with the time that passes.)

By Deborah Tainsh

Over the weekend of March 18 -19, 2006 Dave and I spent time with two TAPS families, Scott and Debbie Kinzer, parents of Sergeant Scottie Kinzer of Salem, South Carolina, and Mark and Cindy Evans, parents of CWO Mark Evans, Jr, of Duluth, Georgia.

        We all agreed that we were learning that we live in a “new norm,” as Mark Evans said,

and as Scott Kinzer put it so well, this journey is a matter of being patient with time.He and

Debbie had been moving slowly forward over the past 14 months. I had personally observed

this since Dave and I had known Debbie and Scott since May, 2005 when we met at TAPS

only four months after their Scottie was killed while helping protect a voting location in Iraq.

       Yes, time is the invisible hand that moves us from one place in life to another.And while

at Scott and Debbie’s home, which sits at the foot of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, I

took photos of the Forsythia bush in their yard that had burst open in a rage of yellow, the

bright beauty of the pink flowering almond, and small trees poking forth fuzzy white buds

of new life.

       I mentioned to Debbie how after our Patrick’s death in February, 2004, in March I

began planting all sorts of things in my yard at home, and now with months and years passed

later, the brightest blooms appear.The plum tree Dave planted finally stands cheerfully pink, the

phlox I planted pread into huge bright green patches covered with bright purple flowers, and the

Larapedlum has grown taller, full with bright pink color.

       Debbie, very knowledgeable about plants and their care said, “Well, they have to adjust

and take root before you’ll see much flowering.”The power of Debbie’s words that

demonstrate a powerful analogy of all our lives did not dawn on me until the ride back

home, which is a time I do a lot of thinking while my sweet husband drives.

I could now understand that those plants, which I placed in the yard years ago,

had gone through severe shock when being transferred from a familiar environment to one

that was harsh and cruel because it was that hard, difficult, Georgia  red clay that requires

much work. Just as this shock happened to my plants, so have we all been placed in shock

as we were transferred into a new cruel environment.

     At times my plants appeared so wilted, almost dead, just as each of us have felt and

probably often appear in the eyes of others. But I kept watering my plants, giving them

food, and even talking to them, taking care of them because I truly cared, especially because

I was the one who had transferred them to a place they never ask for. Just so, I believe the

invisible hand of the Universe through the hearts of those we’ve encountered through

organizations such as TAPS and others, has done the same for each of us.Just as I watched

over my plants that spring and summer, still not blooming in the harsh soil they’d been

placed in, a great power continues to watch over us.Just as my plants have survived harsh

soil and freezing winters, so will we.

After a little more than two years, my plants flourished again. They re-gained beautiful blooms, just as some of us have barely begun to do.

       So, Debbie’s words, “Well, plants have to adjust and take root before you’ll see

much flowering,” are such truth whether with the nature of plants, trees, and shrubs, or

the nature of humanity.In this life it is inevitable that we experience shocks and then

strive to let our roots readjust through patience with time from season to season.

Through this patience, the blooms of healing can grow as we learn to move forward in

our “new norm” while the invisible hand of the universe watches over us, and our loved

ones continue to speak to us through signs we’ll continue to see if we pay close

attention.

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THINGS NOT TO SAY AND TO SAY TO GOLD STAR FAMILIES

Please don’t ask a member of a grieving family: “Was Johnny saved?”
Saved from what? Yes, I know what you’re referring to, but consider this:
Oh, you mean that the Great God & Creator of this Universe is so vindictive that if Johnnny didn’t make a certain confession, because maybe he was Jewish, he is lost for all of eternity although Johnny’s MOTHER or FATHER learns that their child, the light of their life, was so fried in an exploding burning humvee that all his mother or father can hold upon his return is the empty uniform laying inside a casket? And to add pain on pain and confusion of life on earth, Johnny’s mother or father have to have more than one burial because a few body parts are finally found and determined to be remains of the “light of their life?”
Yes, this is real life for in living color for some of us. Such a death and MOTHER’s misery is told in my book, Surviving the Folded Flag. Such a question has been asked of me more than once.
If a Mother can love the child of her womb and life with such a love as no other can know or understand does not God the Father, who owned all our children before he loaned them to us, love them even greater?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. --1 Corinthians 13:4-5
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. --Colossians 3:12
Romans 5:19:For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous.
New American Standard Colossians: 1:20
and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross ; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.
Praise God and His Son, the one who died for us all!
Please don’t say: “Johnny is in a better place.”
A grieving mother or father cannot accept or comprehend such words. We wanted our child with us to keep hugging, shopping for, watch become the mature adult they would be, give us grandchildren, more laughter and stories, and hold our hand when we aged. Our children were our heaven on earth.
We would die for our children (as God through Christ died for us)
David’s grief over Absalom:
2 Samuel 18:33
The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!"
Job 17:7 My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow.
Please don’t say “It was God’s plan”
We are human beings that are hurt to the point of near incapacitation. Our dad in heaven has let us down and denied us our greatest treasure to return home walking and talking. We are angry at the universe!
We have to find our own way back to accepting God’s love and “our forgiving Him!”
Please don’t think that because we return to church with a “fake smile” that we are “okay”. We’re struggling to return to the “old norm” that will never happen, but we have to learn this on our own and how to gradually move into our “new norm” and live with it.
So please don’t ask: “How are you doing today?” Unless you’re ready to be a sounding block and share some tears without need of your saying a word, or be prepared for a “lie” because we fear you don’t really want the truth anyway.
Please don’t say: “You seem to be still grieving so hard and it’s been over a year” because your view of time and what “passing time” is suppose to do is your perception, not our reality.
Through experience and watching hundreds of others’ journeys, grief is usually worse the 2nd year because during the first year we’ve been walking in a dense fog and by the end of the first year all the “local support” has returned to their own lives in their norm and we are facing our reality, “THIS IS REAL” and “I’ve got to come out of hiding” and I still don’t know what to do with this “burden”, a song, a story, a tv show, etc, etc, etc makes me cry and cry and cry…those around us don’t understand, often not even our own parents. It takes years to adjust and find our path that often means a great change in some relationships.
Please don’t ask how Johnny or Sally died…
A family suffering a death by suicide, drugs, etc carry a heightened level of grief ,stress and anxiety out of pure fear of judgment by others.
Question to you: How would you comfort a family member who suffered such tragedy?
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Please don’t say: “Time heals.”
As an expert in the grief field said to a group in a grief peer mentor training class:
“Time Passes!” It doesn’t do anything! It’s what we learn to do with the time that helps us travel the path of a healthy grief process!”
We have to find how to convert anger and frustration into activities that become meaningful such as creating living legacies to our children or through our own pain, help others. This all takes TIME to develop because our mental and physical being is dealing with great trauma.

Don’t say: “You’re not alone. God is always with you.”
When we are angry, frustrated, confused in our faith and searching for answers that it takes us a while to understand that we’ll not get on this side of heaven, WE DO NOT BELIEVE GOD IS WITH US. WE CAN’T TOUCH HIM, HUG HIM, FEEL HIS HUG. WE FEEL ALONE except for maybe the person strong and compassionate enough to be with us and show us often through silence, and patience that GOD IS STILL AROUND because YOU allowed God to use you to show HIS patience and love through our most horrific time on earth!
Personally, when I see others walk the walk (not talk), I know GOD is REAL!

As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. --Colossians 3:12
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Don’t look away from us or take an alternate church or grocery aisle.
Okay, you don’t want to say the wrong thing! We get it!
You don’t know what to say! We get it!
Say nothing! Just smile, sincerely. Ask if you can give us a hug. Ask can you come help us do the laundry, mop the floors, wash the windows, clean the toilets, cut the grass, weed the flower bed, plant some flowers, take us for dinner, sit on the porch and drink a favorite beverage…BUT MEAN IT! DON’T BE A BAG OF EMPTY WORDS AND BROKEN PROMISES!

Don’t be afraid of tears! Care enough to share them! Care enough to sit in silence and just be there! Pelagius (410A.D.) “The Christian should heroic fortitude like Job. And should have compassion, should “feel the pain of others as if it were their own, and be moved to tears by the grief of others.”
If you know a story about our deceased loved one, just ask: “Would you mind if I share a story about your son (or daughter) with you?” Stories are all we have left! They are gifts!

Ask: “Would you mind if I hold your hands and say a prayer for peace of heart, strength, and courage for you and your family?”